Country Girl

Country Girl

Let’s just say that I’m a village girl,

I sometimes shrab very simple English words you’re left wondering what the heck just happened!

I love bright colors that do not necessarily correspond; thank God for color-blocking I no longer seem weird,

Heels make me uncomfortable, too high up the sky; and I literally walk like a new born calf risking breaking my knee caps.

When I finally garner the courage to try on make-up; a creepy thought of a heavy rain emerges and thwarts my dreams; I have never shaved my eyebrows all my life; I simply don’t get why I have to shave them off and then draw a thin black line,

I like jeans and t-shirts and riding bicycles; too official dress codes makes me nervous that I will have to deliver a speech,

I am one of those girls who enjoy prolonged laughs and slurping tea,

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I was born in one of the deepest villages of the world where technology was one of those demons my folks chased out in fire spitting prowess.

School rules didn’t allow me to grow my kinky hair; a clean shave felt heavenly and once in a while I experienced a touch of cold breeze massaging my forehead in the wee hours of the morning as I walked to school.

I enjoyed reading out loud in class and shrabbing off words (I didn’t notice until I was in college); for two decades I lived convinced my pronunciation was fleek,

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You had to be a smart student to be a bell-ringer and for two years I held that coveted seat; and of course raising and lowering the national flag on Tuesdays and Fridays in the watch of the whole dilation of pupils and teachers- it felt prestigious,

The top of my head still bears a perfect stripe of a rope that rested on it every single day for 17 years; I went with the same old jerry-can and the same rope to fetch water and nothing felt wrong,

I enjoyed fresh waters of our stream during the rainy seasons; my friends and I held happy sprees every evening in the cool of the day,

Until I came to the capital and realized just how fast one can die in a swimming pool!

Sunrise basked on my cheeks as I milked my father’s goats and cultivated my love for goat milk to this day,

For close to two decades of my life I watched a black and white TV screen (which used to break down almost every week); I lived knowing that those TV folks had a standard dress code- black and white; well until I came to the city,

My devotion to succeed thrived in my small world; and up to this day it still does,

Today I enjoy being in the city; surrounded by all these people and all kinds of high-tech, but I still break loose to my small village to catch a glimpse of pureness,

Then my village girl comes out alive again,

It’s a tradition that has now borne strong roots in my soul,

And I am not abandoning it any day soon,

Because life is made of tiny tokens of fun, appreciation and bliss of unconditional love.

Mwende

A Free Bird

A FREE BIRD

That’s what worry does; it messes up with you big deal!

And being the extremely emotional being that I am, I found myself worrying about things- things here include everything!

I got caught up with what I didn’t have and I worried about it big time,

I worried about a mountain bike that I had been planning to buy a decade ago; and I still don’t have it yet,

I worried about the house I’m living in and everything that seemed to be missing,

I worried about my friends and why we can’t have a sleepover,

I worried about a job that I really needed; in a location of my choice and for some reasons I believed God (I still do) somehow understands why I need to be there; I don’t have the job yet,

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I literally worried about everything,

I worried that my health will one day fail me; that I may never be able to achieve these gigantic dreams of mine,

I worried about getting married; that I was single and the clock was ticking as it always does; yet this crucial matter occurred to be off the radar of ‘the important things for now’ for all the potentials I met; I was  left with an anxious feeling in the pit of my uterus,

And every time I was perturbed about something; my body hurt and it felt like this huge heavy load was placed on my shoulders and the more I moved forward, the heavier it became,

I indisputably complained about my career and why God needed to enable me finish my studies that had become a thorn in the flesh,

I worried about financial stability; whether I will be able to provide for my family enough for every day,

I worried about my kid sister in college far away from home; was she really studying or doing her ‘own things?’

I just worried and it felt like I was racing after life and I never seemed to really get hold of it,

I neglected my passions and the desire to be more; and I turned into a living zombie with all these burdens of life on my shoulders,

Every time I wrestled with voices that kept telling me I’m not alright,

I worried that every time I fell; there are those who would call me a mistake,

photo: courtesy of Infinity Clix

I wanted to overcome it; but others made it worse with phrases like, ‘stop thinking about it’,

And their arguments got me into serious discussions with myself; which sustained more worrying,

Until I realized worry is like a rocking chair; it's always in motion but it never gets me anywhere,

It drained me and never made me feel better or change the situation; and I wanted something different,

I wanted to leave my list of what I didn’t have alone; but I didn’t know how,

Until I learnt about the Amazing Grace of God,

I learnt to be vulnerable so His Grace can work through me; learning to fight for joy without replacing grace,

I learnt to take the less travelled path; Learning to Lean on God’s Immeasurable Grace,

And this made all the DIFFERENCE,

I saw that my worrying had earned me NOTHING,

So I gave it up; only to realize that I was a SLAVE OF SELF,

Free to FLY as HIGH as my thoughts, imagination and passions could take me,

I resolved to walk into the dance hall,

Because opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor,

And I have since enjoyed the music in here.

Isaiah 41:15, ‘See, I will make you into a threshing sledge, new and sharp, with many teeth.You will thresh the mountains and crush them, and reduce the hills to chaff’.

Mwende 

Closer to the grave

CLOSER TO THE GRAVE

Ecclesiastes 9:10, “whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might for in the grave where you’re going there is neither working nor planning  nor knowledge nor wisdom”.

Is it only me that this verse gives goosebumps; do you feel the same?

You saying yes will make me feel better; but I guess I will learn to move on if you choose to say no,

I recently realized that there is no much time left to wander around if you get what I mean; you will be better placed to do what you have to do NOW,

Coincidentally these were the exact words written at the forefront of my childhood friend’s tribute; she went to be with the Lord two weeks ago,

While flipping through the pages, I figured out that God was whispering something to me and I needed to respond; “Lord I don’t want to be with you! Not now please” I shouted out.

I felt all alone in a crowd of mourners and I hated it, but I needed to bid farewell to my dear friend,

With my piercing voice cutting through the cliques of mourners who stood close in undisputable murmurings,

My mind tells me that they possibly were wondering how we got here; and how cruel death can be to deny the deceased relatives’ the pleasure of “eating” her dowry and the joy of grandchildren,

A portrait of her smiley face drawn perfectly on the front cover; her eyes staring straight at me like she was about to say something,

Her silky black hair styled graciously similarly to one of those photo shoots she enjoyed; and I was convinced she would walk in any minute from now to lighten up the mood like she always did which never happened,

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“Her time was DONE here; just how flimsy life can be!” I whispered,

You just never know how close you are to the grave until one of those close to you is gone!

But even then, we always feel like death was meant for others but us!

Habitually living like this day will never really come,

And when it finally shows up, because it will; what legacy will you have left behind?

Will you have achieved that dream that was embedded in you?

What impact will you have on your community?

Because once you depart, we won’t remember the tower you built your folks back in the village,

Or the Land Cruiser V8 you surprised your dear wife with during her 30th birthday,

Or even that cosy office with purple velvet finishing where you always sat away from burdens of this world,

Including that prime piece of land you own along Naivasha-Limuru road, 

We won’t remember your flamboyant designer clothes; or the law degree you attained from one of the prestigious Universities of our time,

All the materialistic triumphs won’t be of any value anymore!

“Hey, give way”, I’m rudely interrupted by the funeral MC and wailing neighbours moving hurriedly towards the graveside,

Their send-off flowers beginning to wither from the waves of smiting sun,

I Move aside to pave way for the mourners,

And just like that, another one of my great friends departed!

With unpleasant swift, young men endowed with spades covered up the grave with a fresh pile of soil,

The red dust dismissing the multitude back to their normal lives for yet another call,

With the lifeless body back to dust where we all belong!

I find myself tearing up; tears that I can hardly control; my feet swollen from prolonged hours of standing with misery drawn all over my face; like I too was about to die; but even then life still goes on,

I then pressed myself up the granary corner in sobs not too far from the grave and calmly sat on one of the cornerstones shaken to the core,

Then suddenly one of those kind mamas tapped my back, “It is the way for all of us” she uttered,

And right there it was crystal clear that soon or later I too will be gone and so do you,

Will I have achieved what God intended me to?

I wonder all the time!

Mwende

STRIVING PROVERBS 31 WOMAN

STRIVING PROVERBS 31 WOMAN

If you have been around women of faith and Christian circles then you must have heard about her_ the Proverbs 31 Woman,

She is a gem, a sacred vessel and a phenomenal woman who doesn’t even seem to struggle being these things,

She is perfection in its entirety; I mean she must be so skilled and eloquent to trade in the market place,

She is strong, refined, multi talented and trusted; her husband and children praise her; I hope for these kind of praises when this man finally finds me,

She has inspired many and through her, inspirational books, conferences and teachings have emerged with many emulating her; and sometimes to women like me she revives feelings of guilt,

This woman doesn’t seem to sleep, she is all devoted and tirelessly working for her household; from sewing garments to planting a vineyard that she’s already identified and bought,

I imagine the rest of Jewish women reciting her wisdom and works in their homes every eve of the Sabbath while young girls sit around the fire place in the kitchen right after their chores for compulsory teachings,

I imagine her being sought after by her neighbours for wise counsel; she is unruffled and a woman of few words who is keen to listen and thereafter giving some prudence,

How can she even laugh (of course with etiquette) at the time to come while I apprehend at the future and my cheeks are filled with goosebumps?

She is fearless and composed; she is clearly prepared for the future_ I mean she’s been working day and night!

She has resisted seductions and repulsion of the day to focus on the needs of those who matter_ her family,

She is a wife of noble character and her description isn’t close to those who associate feminism with weakness and inadequacy,

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She is calm, gentle and dignified; she is deliberate in her decisions and her personality isn’t swayed around by the winds that blow; she simply exhibits grace,

While I seem to apologise every day after throwing tantrums in the heat of the moment and allowing my emotions to rule_ thank God for grace,  

As I read through this epilogue I can’t help but think;  who is this woman who makes me feel like I have been in a femininity fight and  lost hands down!

I tend to imagine there was Proverbs 32 with a similar checklist for our dear men but the transcriber seems to have lost that part of the scroll,

But then just before I give up; I realize that the portrait of the virtuous woman flows from within her soul; not because of her accomplishments or the outward beauty_ and for that she is a superwoman,

She draws her strength from the Giver of them all; she categorically understands that charm is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised,

Then my soul found peace,

I no longer stick myself against her as a measuring stick; and her achievements no longer haunt me!

I now see her as a friend, who points us to the Farmer who sows the WORD; knowing that I am Work In Progress,

For there is Honour and Strength for every woman who walks humbly with God; and undoubtedly for every man who does the same,

Until next time, please don’t be too picky on her

She is trying to be the BEST she can possibly be with the grace given to her.

Mwende 

Integrity Simplified

INTEGRITY SIMPLIFIED

State of affairs…

While we all work so hard at what we do; we often fail to realize that in achieving the sweet fruits of our endurance and efforts, there lies irreplaceable life in the steps of the way,

We have failed to understand that opportunities come and as soon as we’ve gotten hold of them, they cease being precious; integrity on the other hand follows us around like little puppies whether we like it or not; if it’s not yet caught up with you; soon it will and you better be clean,

It’s distressing that all the time we watch and read news about corruption, fraud, infidelity among others and this seems to be the norm nowadays; it’s worrying, don’t you think?

And the fact that we seem to have accepted the “lesser sin” makes it worse,

As a matter of fact, integrity might be the only missing ingredient in our society today.

Think about it; do you remember those handshake deals a decade ago?

People would literally shake hands as a symbol of agreement and right there a contract would be made with both parties being confident that it shall be done as agreed,

Things were all good and everyone had a genuine plan on what needed to be done; until they got punched on their faces with the new realities of life orchestrated by a few sugar- coated culprits.

Today the world around us has turned integrity into one of those “posh” words that hovers in leadership circles, political campaigns, development meetings, afternoon lectures among many others; yet its practicability has long lost meaning,

And I am persuaded to pose and just ask; would you recognize integrity if you saw it?

Or even deeper; have you ever stopped for a minute to assess your integrity levels?

It clearly seems that everyone considers themselves relatively “good” and “honourable” and in one way or another, we all stand accused and the sooner we solve the problem the better for all of us and our future contemporaries,

Calling a spade a spade…

The reality is that if there is tranquillity “within” then this will automatically reflect “without” in every aspect,

It’s like a well of water; the elements’ combination determines its smell, test, value and certainly its wellness and those who’ve tested it will either warn or point others to its source,

Integrity is a compound virtue;  like a precious stone that carries with it proportions of precious essentials, integrity carries with it not only honesty but also uprightness, trustworthiness, fairness, loyalty and courage to face the consequences of a decision made or an action; and if one of all these elements is excluded then it’s no longer integrity,

If you can choose what’s right vis- a -vis convenience; then you’re a person of integrity.

You see, the call for integrity isn’t embedded only on the “huge matters of life” like political aspirations, academic achievements, business transactions, work ethics, corruption or drug dealings but also on the tiny aspects of our private lives. It begins in the miniature flaws of our hearts where people aren’t always ogling,

It’s found in those moments when we chose the easier options and cosiness over integrity,

It is a personal choice, an uncompromising and predictably consistent commitment to honour moral, ethical, spiritual and artistic standards and principles.

 

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But more importantly…

Lack of integrity in our today’s society continues to cost us all great deal; from misused funds to immeasurable cost of unsettled minds,

We therefore have to work as twice as hard to restore and build a culture of integrity in our society by aligning our words with actions bearing in mind that it doesn’t matter one’s charisma, competency or authority; one is either a person of integrity or not_ you can’t be in between,

People who fail on commitments to friends, family or close associates are unlikely to launch enduring trust with colleagues, suppliers or customers and this deeply tampers with their integrity_ you just can't fake character; it’s just a matter of time before the real you oozes out,

Integrity is a habit and this means it can be learnt and practised; it takes hard work and awareness plus the willingness to fight other desires contrary to integrity. You ought to be intentional and willing to fix things about yourself.

This is not to say that we are always right and on track_ we are imperfect beings gasping for grace and it’s critical to hold on once in a while and reflect on our actions but most importantly, when we incur errors we need to acknowledge them, face the consequences thereof and learn from them.

Integrity is a personal decision_ you can at any moment, at any circumstance choose to be in integrity regardless of what others think or even do.

So then choose where you want to be.

But first, choose to be proactive by changing yourself and your way of living,

Only then are you able to inspire others.

Mwende

CHOOSING A NEW PATHWAY

CHOOSING A NEW PATHWAY

When I'm tirelessly working so hard to afford chocolates when I crave them; something else sweeter shows up and I am constantly required to work twice as hard,

When I am out living my life and everything seems just ok; I am persuaded to go out and love,

When I am out loving and being the best that I can possibly be; situations come up and I realise how unloving I can be,

And the worst it can get is being comfortable with where I am today.

This has been my tussle_ until I finally realised that it is the way for all humanity,

Life will not always be where you want it to be_ we all hunger for more,

And as soon as we get that which we thought was treasureous; it seizes being important,

You wonder why we toiled so hard to get it!

While you are busy trekking because you can’t afford bus fare, someone is busy “throwing” parties to strangers and transport is the last thing they can think of,

While you are bitten down mourning a loved one and tears have become your daily bread; someone else just beheld their bundle of joy- a flawless new-born baby,

While you are busy wailing about how troublesome your pregnancy has become; someone just hit their menopause and pregnancy officially vacated their thought box,

While you are busy complaining about that job that you can’t stand anymore; someone has tarmacked for years and all they pray for is something to keep them busy,

While you are busy frustrating and intimidating your companion; someone dreams of creating a haven of love around them,

It so seems for all this while, we all have been transitioning to a higher spot; and the only difference is the stage you are at as an individual,

Until we realise this; we will always suffocate in unhealthy competitions and battles,

While we should be creating a self-made world of our own- a utopia of happiness,

I too I’ve struggled to break loose; until I came to a place of contentment,

A point in life taught me to hold myself gently but also accountable,

To dream bigger than myself, build wider as I strive for greater heights,

But yet it didn’t come without a lapse to remind me that I too can fail just like everyone else,

My worldviews began to speak louder and I began to live within my thoughts and aspirations,

And just when I was getting used to something, something else fancier came up,

A new building, a new friend and a new boy following me around_ and I constantly got mad because he said something that I wished someone else should have said,

What I once knew as truth soon or later became incomplete and I was required to pursue more,

Today I have a clearer picture of my purpose for living,

But I still spend a lot of my time wondering if I should be somewhere else,

Whether I should be in school pursuing my career; or out there building my home,

Whether I should be doing something larger than myself; or working on myself to be a  reflection of the world I would wish to see,

I am constantly found in pursuit of patience and strength to keep going; I stumble every day in trail for more grace,

But finally I have chosen a new pathway...

To coil every single moment with appreciation,

To be thankful for the places I’ve been to even when I thought I shouldn’t be there,

To smile about the moments I worried and cried because I thought I couldn’t make it,

To be grateful for the days gone and the laughter that was while it lasted.

I have learnt to write down those beautiful moments_ who knows; I might smile about them some day when I’m sad and draw strengthen from them,

I have learnt to write down those gloomy moments when I couldn’t hold myself together_ who knows; they might remind me in my twinkle days that life is a risk_ it only depends on how risky I want to be.

 It is a done deal!

Mwende

GREY SMOKE

GREY SMOKE

How we so fast forget!

How our promises are so short-lived!

Don’t we care any more_ how we've become detached robots thriving in selfish deals!

We tear apart our social fabric in every single word, action or thought we convey!

We fight with furry- filled destructive words and arrogant intentions!

We burn the very cities we built with our own hands; the hands that once bled from the toil!

We overthrow the policies we for decades fought for!

We slay our very own flesh!

Our paths are blood- stained and twisted!

In exchange for power and sovereignty we've stumbled on the very people we once depended!

We've invented toxic and lethal ways of doing things!

And certainly we've justified them to be the only “right” paths!

We absolutely seem to have forgotten that…

Before the fires prospered and scary noises escalated; there were families rising,

Before buildings collapsed and towers fell; there were businesses expanding,

Before cries emerged and burnt bodies fell; there were happy noises of children playing,

Neighbourhoods gathered and worked in harmony for the better good of all,

They shared meals and dreams and planned future greater moments together,

They celebrated their diversity in differences; there was always something new to learn,

Girls and boys walked freely through the villages,

Before families were crippled and disrupted; there were patriotic citizens building the nation,

Before our men were abused and tortured only to be killed later; there were women and children who looked up to them,

Before she was raped in the very eyes of her children; she was an industrious wife and mother,

Before her husband was butchered in her watch; she was secure and both held the family tightly,

And now all she does is cry; if only mere water could clean this dirtiness... So she wishes,

In a minute after another, our lives were turned into a wreck; and we are all to blame,

Yes we are to blame for not speaking up; for not FIGHTING RIGHT!

We joined our efforts for destruction…

I remember that fateful morning as I walked through our kitchen, scared to death,

I peeped through the rubble of our broken house’ windows, holding firmly my breath with a leap of faith that I would survive,

I felt nothing but darkness camouflaged in fear; in disbelief I watched black smoke coil up the skies,

Disturbing noises of people and young kids calling for help emerged through the thick soot,

“That’s him; it’s him”, I shouted out loud after hearing my neighbour’s little boy calling out from the soot,

Yes I recognized his voice; he was choking_ his life literally flashed before my eyes!

And he called nor cried no more! – Because he was no more while I should have done something to help!

Guilt, anger and rage consumed me!

A gloomy cloud of malice engulfed us and within hours our efforts had been turned into ashes,

I watched as my watery palms changed into grey and my heart sank into deep sobs,

Under the debris were bodies of our fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers and neighbours,

My spirit cried out loud and I wished you knew how war feels like,

I wished you could touch the grey smell, feel the pain as I stared at young- angry men collect charred bodies behind them,

I wished you could touch this smell in your nostrils every morning you woke up.

Property was destroyed and towns perished; as I sat through the foul moments of our past,

I heard no tribe, no clan nor personality because under that wrinkle everyone was grey,

Our morals, our wealth and certainly our souls had crumbled!

And here we are! Still struggling to rise up from our PAST!

And we refuse to GO BACK THERE!

For we have witnessed what violence, war and brutality can do!

And we cannot ALLOW IT EVER AGAIN_ NEVER!

 

We now speak up so YOU HEAR US…

Your violence has done nothing but add to the list of street families and orphans,

Your war has done nothing but add to the list of widows and widowers,

Your war has done nothing but add to the list of thugs and hooligans,

Your war has hindered us from achieving the very GOALS and AMBITIONS we set for ourselves,

Even today, I still cry…

It’s been nine years and my friend is still searching for his father,

Your war has contributed to the insecurity crisis we've found ourselves in today,

Your war added to the list of girls and boys still waiting for their fathers/mothers to come home,

And now our children need A SAFER PLACE TO CALL HOME.

ONE NATION, ONE PEOPLE!

 Mwende

THE ANT HILL

The Ant Hill

My new friend Winnie understands my newly found gist!

Wildlife_ there is just something unique about them!

The humour, the pleasantry and the strength to face another day despite the dangers!

It’s quite fascinating and mind intriguing!

But I have discovered a new world!

The enormous world of insects_ and I seem to be stuck here!

Their kingdom is growing; and it’s already reigning!

The world of ants however caught me by storm,

Like a young toddler who just discovered the pleasure of crawling; and all they do is crawl all day,

They are powerful,

Yes the Ants!

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Those small insects that live in a social colony; proverbial for industriousness.

Their coordination and focus is enticing; one would wish to live in their cosmos for a day_ just to experience such cohesion,

Yet we've always drawn parallels from our world to theirs,

These past days…

I have been watching their stringy trails at the back of my father’s house,

How they clog themselves together tightly; like the life of one depends on the other,

How they follow their created paths so faithfully; with one emphasis to make it to their place of choice,

They have kept me thinking for a while…

It must be that the most blossoming projects globally are the ant- projects,

Their complex brilliant thoughts fuse into one to build the world’s most powerful colonies,

How they excavate their underground chambers into precision; complex designs that have triggered our designs and preferences,

They have informed our innovations…

And now the world’s architectural scientists draw brilliant schemes from the outcomes of their small but glued minds,

How their behaviours aid IT experts in solving computational problems_ talk of the ant colony optimization algorithms,

How their short scale rhythms arising from mechanical activation from physical contact have excited artists,

It simply unbelievable how much we've copied from them!

In such complex livelihoods they interact; different casts of the same species you will find,

Each designed for its role; yet yielding their strengths in diversity and differences,

Their enthusiastic small bodies always willing to perform devotedly,

The female workers_ with their sharp jaws they devour and bite through anything that can be food,

The soldiers_ strong and always on the lookout to protect and guard,

The Minima_ effectively turning leaves into fungus for food; they perfected agriculture long before us,

The queen_ how she holds the colony together by bringing forth a new age band just like a mother,

All dedicated to building a gigantic emperor, yet it comes at a cost,

 The conscientious female workers abandoning their queenly ambitions,

Selflessly supporting the only queen towards procreation,

Obeying the rules of the ecosystem; for cheating undermines the cohesiveness of their union,

As they fully inspect whoever violates this important law,

In one accord, the future of their genes flow through the queen,

Giving up their selfish desires to maintaining the colony,

Raising their fellow sister into family- hood and reproduction,

And for this, the colony reproduces as a whole; just like a tree casting its pollen into the wind,

How they mysteriously trust…

With no chain of command; yet so perfectly they perform their duties,

And through smell and touch, they share and measure what each of them does,

How they constantly brush through a chemical signal to communicate; yet neither of them has ever seen the other,

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How they build such powerful emperors…

Because with one genuine oneness and shared purpose, anything is achievable,

In unity the individual vanishes to form a strong super power,

With the power to literally conquer the globe and when they show up, everything else moves or its eaten way,

Their reproduction is a shared task…

Their powerful stings injects strong enzymes breaking down into liquidifying tissues,

The far distances they move; it’s like a city of people certainly packing up and relocating to a distant city on foot,

How they link legs into a chain as the fluid grows into solid cells around the queen, as they slowly move into the queen’s skin,

And right there a generation is created; one that follows the footsteps of its elders, into sustaining the gigantic monarch,

               

If we humans therefore have a problem with ants, it is a problem we have created,

Their societies are wide and known for efficiency and expansion, destined to dominate,

There unity is inexorable,

I finally have all the answers that I need…

I'm fully convinced that following my passion has more impact than ever before,

Ignited to face the world with an optimistic eye; and a stronger will to deliver,

Just like the ants!

Mwende