GREY SMOKE

GREY SMOKE

How we so fast forget!

How our promises are so short-lived!

Don’t we care any more_ how we've become detached robots thriving in selfish deals!

We tear apart our social fabric in every single word, action or thought we convey!

We fight with furry- filled destructive words and arrogant intentions!

We burn the very cities we built with our own hands; the hands that once bled from the toil!

We overthrow the policies we for decades fought for!

We slay our very own flesh!

Our paths are blood- stained and twisted!

In exchange for power and sovereignty we've stumbled on the very people we once depended!

We've invented toxic and lethal ways of doing things!

And certainly we've justified them to be the only “right” paths!

We absolutely seem to have forgotten that…

Before the fires prospered and scary noises escalated; there were families rising,

Before buildings collapsed and towers fell; there were businesses expanding,

Before cries emerged and burnt bodies fell; there were happy noises of children playing,

Neighbourhoods gathered and worked in harmony for the better good of all,

They shared meals and dreams and planned future greater moments together,

They celebrated their diversity in differences; there was always something new to learn,

Girls and boys walked freely through the villages,

Before families were crippled and disrupted; there were patriotic citizens building the nation,

Before our men were abused and tortured only to be killed later; there were women and children who looked up to them,

Before she was raped in the very eyes of her children; she was an industrious wife and mother,

Before her husband was butchered in her watch; she was secure and both held the family tightly,

And now all she does is cry; if only mere water could clean this dirtiness... So she wishes,

In a minute after another, our lives were turned into a wreck; and we are all to blame,

Yes we are to blame for not speaking up; for not FIGHTING RIGHT!

We joined our efforts for destruction…

I remember that fateful morning as I walked through our kitchen, scared to death,

I peeped through the rubble of our broken house’ windows, holding firmly my breath with a leap of faith that I would survive,

I felt nothing but darkness camouflaged in fear; in disbelief I watched black smoke coil up the skies,

Disturbing noises of people and young kids calling for help emerged through the thick soot,

“That’s him; it’s him”, I shouted out loud after hearing my neighbour’s little boy calling out from the soot,

Yes I recognized his voice; he was choking_ his life literally flashed before my eyes!

And he called nor cried no more! – Because he was no more while I should have done something to help!

Guilt, anger and rage consumed me!

A gloomy cloud of malice engulfed us and within hours our efforts had been turned into ashes,

I watched as my watery palms changed into grey and my heart sank into deep sobs,

Under the debris were bodies of our fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers and neighbours,

My spirit cried out loud and I wished you knew how war feels like,

I wished you could touch the grey smell, feel the pain as I stared at young- angry men collect charred bodies behind them,

I wished you could touch this smell in your nostrils every morning you woke up.

Property was destroyed and towns perished; as I sat through the foul moments of our past,

I heard no tribe, no clan nor personality because under that wrinkle everyone was grey,

Our morals, our wealth and certainly our souls had crumbled!

And here we are! Still struggling to rise up from our PAST!

And we refuse to GO BACK THERE!

For we have witnessed what violence, war and brutality can do!

And we cannot ALLOW IT EVER AGAIN_ NEVER!

 

We now speak up so YOU HEAR US…

Your violence has done nothing but add to the list of street families and orphans,

Your war has done nothing but add to the list of widows and widowers,

Your war has done nothing but add to the list of thugs and hooligans,

Your war has hindered us from achieving the very GOALS and AMBITIONS we set for ourselves,

Even today, I still cry…

It’s been nine years and my friend is still searching for his father,

Your war has contributed to the insecurity crisis we've found ourselves in today,

Your war added to the list of girls and boys still waiting for their fathers/mothers to come home,

And now our children need A SAFER PLACE TO CALL HOME.

ONE NATION, ONE PEOPLE!

 Mwende

THE ANT HILL

The Ant Hill

My new friend Winnie understands my newly found gist!

Wildlife_ there is just something unique about them!

The humour, the pleasantry and the strength to face another day despite the dangers!

It’s quite fascinating and mind intriguing!

But I have discovered a new world!

The enormous world of insects_ and I seem to be stuck here!

Their kingdom is growing; and it’s already reigning!

The world of ants however caught me by storm,

Like a young toddler who just discovered the pleasure of crawling; and all they do is crawl all day,

They are powerful,

Yes the Ants!

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Those small insects that live in a social colony; proverbial for industriousness.

Their coordination and focus is enticing; one would wish to live in their cosmos for a day_ just to experience such cohesion,

Yet we've always drawn parallels from our world to theirs,

These past days…

I have been watching their stringy trails at the back of my father’s house,

How they clog themselves together tightly; like the life of one depends on the other,

How they follow their created paths so faithfully; with one emphasis to make it to their place of choice,

They have kept me thinking for a while…

It must be that the most blossoming projects globally are the ant- projects,

Their complex brilliant thoughts fuse into one to build the world’s most powerful colonies,

How they excavate their underground chambers into precision; complex designs that have triggered our designs and preferences,

They have informed our innovations…

And now the world’s architectural scientists draw brilliant schemes from the outcomes of their small but glued minds,

How their behaviours aid IT experts in solving computational problems_ talk of the ant colony optimization algorithms,

How their short scale rhythms arising from mechanical activation from physical contact have excited artists,

It simply unbelievable how much we've copied from them!

In such complex livelihoods they interact; different casts of the same species you will find,

Each designed for its role; yet yielding their strengths in diversity and differences,

Their enthusiastic small bodies always willing to perform devotedly,

The female workers_ with their sharp jaws they devour and bite through anything that can be food,

The soldiers_ strong and always on the lookout to protect and guard,

The Minima_ effectively turning leaves into fungus for food; they perfected agriculture long before us,

The queen_ how she holds the colony together by bringing forth a new age band just like a mother,

All dedicated to building a gigantic emperor, yet it comes at a cost,

 The conscientious female workers abandoning their queenly ambitions,

Selflessly supporting the only queen towards procreation,

Obeying the rules of the ecosystem; for cheating undermines the cohesiveness of their union,

As they fully inspect whoever violates this important law,

In one accord, the future of their genes flow through the queen,

Giving up their selfish desires to maintaining the colony,

Raising their fellow sister into family- hood and reproduction,

And for this, the colony reproduces as a whole; just like a tree casting its pollen into the wind,

How they mysteriously trust…

With no chain of command; yet so perfectly they perform their duties,

And through smell and touch, they share and measure what each of them does,

How they constantly brush through a chemical signal to communicate; yet neither of them has ever seen the other,

www.teambonding.com

How they build such powerful emperors…

Because with one genuine oneness and shared purpose, anything is achievable,

In unity the individual vanishes to form a strong super power,

With the power to literally conquer the globe and when they show up, everything else moves or its eaten way,

Their reproduction is a shared task…

Their powerful stings injects strong enzymes breaking down into liquidifying tissues,

The far distances they move; it’s like a city of people certainly packing up and relocating to a distant city on foot,

How they link legs into a chain as the fluid grows into solid cells around the queen, as they slowly move into the queen’s skin,

And right there a generation is created; one that follows the footsteps of its elders, into sustaining the gigantic monarch,

               

If we humans therefore have a problem with ants, it is a problem we have created,

Their societies are wide and known for efficiency and expansion, destined to dominate,

There unity is inexorable,

I finally have all the answers that I need…

I'm fully convinced that following my passion has more impact than ever before,

Ignited to face the world with an optimistic eye; and a stronger will to deliver,

Just like the ants!

Mwende

MY DIVINE PREGNANCY EXPERIENCE

Please believe me when I say it came without warning!

I didn't know I was pregnant!

One early Saturday morning I was woken up by this funny tickling movement in my tiny stomach,

So I rushed out to the bathroom pretty sure that I would throw up,

But nothing seemed to come out so I went back to bed; lying to myself that I was asleep,

And even though physically calm and rested so to speak; inwardly wrestling with unknown giants,

Finally giving in to the fight and letting it sink deep!!

Letting it sink deep that I was indeed pregnant,

But somehow finding a happy place amidst such turmoil,

Contrary to my expectations, with every movement I felt love, joy and renewed confidence!!

My tummy kept protruding however hard I tried to hide it_ so I thought,

I couldn't imagine this tiny being was growing to be bigger than I could ever hide,

And with every new day; there was always a new moment; a brutish reminder that I was pregnant!!

Sometimes it felt like a fire burning; trying out all humanly ways to quench itself,

Other times it felt calm and quiet; I guess the baby was asleep but still growing,

Making me feel so alive but at the same time scared of the unknown!!

All this while; thousands of questions running through my mind,

Will I be responsible enough?

Am I ready for this and strong enough to sustain it?

How about my family and friends?

But I somehow knew I was fully prepared for the task,

All set for both ridicules and genuine pats on my back,

I knew it won’t be easy; but I also knew it would be a new intimacy to enjoy;

From three months, to six, to nine and I was finally ready to push it out.

I was ready to bring forth my dream- My Divine Purpose!!

See, I didn't know I was pregnant with a dream,

With every sharp pain the intensity to push multiplied, every contraction paving a pathway to my baby- My Divine Purpose,

My waters broke and streamed like a constrained river finally free,

With every sweat-drop on my forehead; more in- built pressure to keep pushing,

With every firm grip on my delivery bed; joy rekindled,

Finally beholding a new hope; beauty in all its perfection,

Embracing my purpose; thanking God for the opportunity.

This time round; there was no giving up!

I was finally building a new hub; A new thinking perspective!

To nurture my purpose to maturity; and abundance thereafter!

My Purpose for Existence!

Mwende

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Ever felt your dream was dying out? Too small to be recognized?
This is for you!! 

To remind you that you can still dream again and live your purpose to the fullest_ Its not easy but its possible; Just like a Pregnancy!!

Man Re- Introduced

Man Re- Introduced

My young brother just turned 22 years and I am all excited.

Clearly having a young brother shouldn't be taken for granted; even though I have always admired big brothers, he’s turned out to be one of my sassy joys.

In my early years back in the village, I always wished I had a bigger brother and mamma struggled to explain why it wasn’t possible.

For just a few selfish reasons- so to speak; I needed to have one.

To see his furry and madness when boys tried to pursue his princess;

To enjoy dates and chocolates when dad complained that I was demanding too much;

To show off to my classmates who we’d fight with after school- they always seemed to win the fight and I needed to win someday.

A big brother who would somehow read my moods and notice when I wasn’t okay.

Talk of all these things that big brothers are expected to do- somehow we (the society) have placed heavy demands on their shoulders and failure isn't an excuse.

And my calm brother is slowly being oriented into this kind of sanity; recently he bought a girl chocolates with his pocket money just to prove a point_ and opted to walk to school (thank God for big sisters).

And that caught me thinking_ it’s been a month of reflection and flashbacks!

I have been thinking about them_ the big brothers, the young ones (just like my brother), the fathers, husbands, boyfriends… (And the list continues…).

About that young toddler who’s just about to be ushered into manly society.

About that teenager whose heart aches from betrayal; yet he’s only expected to be strong and carry on with life and its demands normally.

About that mid- age man in middle life crisis; trying to figure out his purpose_ the society expects him to fiercely face his dreams and so failure isn't allowed here.

About that father who just got a son and wonders how to raise him to be a man and guide him in the way he should go; when his walk as a father isn't all figured out.

About that man who just lost his best friend and can’t afford to shed a tear for his friend- because men shouldn't cry.

We (the society) have taught them...

To fight their emotions and dominate_ destroying their ability to interact.  

To take away love, emotions and fear_ rendering them powerless in claim for power (for true power is conceived in love and the ability to feel).

To work out their veins, fists and shoulders while neglecting the very man who lives within _ turning them into strong zombies who have no control over their bodies.

I have been thinking about them_ and to me (correct me if I'm wrong); man is the centre that holds our society.

To me, the man has to be re-introduced for society to stand…

That you don’t have to have everything all figured out to be a man,

That it’s okay to fail and still be a man_ you can rise up and forge forward as a man,

That you don’t have to own all the chocolates in this world to be a man_ you only need to be strategically positioned and refine the few chocolates within your influence,

That you don’t have to sleep around to prove a point_ and if you happen to, you still have the opportunity to correct it.

And all this while, my young brother has been watching…

He knows not how to be a man; but the society expects him to be one. And all this while, he’s been peeping into my notepad; hoping to pick one or two things about being a man_

"It’s okay to ask and still be a man, but please note that I can only hope that real man can be re- introduced from a manly point of view"_ I whispered calming, hoping not to interrupt. 

 My young brother…

If you can dream and work towards achieving those dreams; then you’re a man,

If you can keep your head high up when everyone else thinks you’re a looser; then you’re a man,

If you can fail only to try again and fail again_ but still choose to try one more time; then you’re a man,

If you can focus on real virtues and your inner man as twice as your physical body; then you’re a man,

If you can hold on when all seems gone except the will to hold on; then you’re a man,

If you can choose to ignore labels given to you to satisfy someone’s else fears; then you’re a man,

Brother…

If you are willing to serve others and freely give to those in need; then you’re a man,

If you are willing to re-define beauty as God defines it; then you’re a man,

If you can unveil the sorrows of the young boy trapped within you; allow yourself to cry out the agony; then you’re a man,

Brother, if you can accept the freedom you deserve and let go; then you are a man,

And I will always be here to offer you a safe embrace while you struggle to break loose… we all do,

I will always be here to remind you that shedding tears doesn't make you less of a man,

Looking forward to seeing you grow to be a real man,

And praying that God will bring your way real men to mentor you into manhood and together you will grow to bring back stability into our society as your re-define manhood.

With love from big sister,

Mwende

Dedicated to all men who once felt they weren't close to what society defined man to be.

Her Own Date

Her Own Date

Today she woke up upset and tired,

In fact, leaving her bed was a fight she almost lost,

“Time really flies”- in a lousy mood she said,

She hadn’t slept well the previous night; something seemed amiss,

And this morning, nothing seemed to have changed,

 

As she stared at her gloomy face into the convex- mirror after taking her morning shower; she noted her eyes were swollen,

In her pink- white towel she thought, “What’s my plan today? It’s going to be a long weekend and especially now that daddy hasn’t broken the loud silence to my request- a lunch date”.

She took a deep breath keenly listening to her pulse rate,

The more she tried to be calm and composed, the more she felt nervous and terrified,

And as she watched herself a little longer; the more she felt a stranger in her own skin,

 

Then she realized she didn’t know how to be alone; frightened and scared of the unknown,

She had been busy impressing and pretending that she lost touch with herself,

Like a little child quieting down with furry, she blinked back her tears and through a veil of wet lashes she began to look at herself from a different perspective.

 She strolled into the bedroom to the living room and she couldn’t figure it out,

All she knew was something needed to be done urgently; but she didn’t know what it was,

Dressing modestly and putting on a glowing face felt like a big lie,

Her inner being was malnourished.

“Today I will neither put on my makeup nor brush my eye lashes”, so she thought,

See; she had been used to putting on a mask that she forgot who she really was.

“I am beautiful, intelligent and unique,” she whispered shaking her head in total discord because she didn’t believe it,

Deep down, she wished someone could genuinely complement her; she desired approval and all this long, she had searched for it in all the wrong places.

And in the loneliness of her soul,

She began to realize that her inner beauty was more important than the outer one which soon would fade away,

Sitting on the edge of her bed, Laura made a decision; to be her own date that very day,

She needed some bonding with her inner self,

She glanced at her pretty blue wall clock and realized time was slipping away,

“Its mid-day and something has to be done”- she whispered.

She hurriedly put on her flowery dress, had her hair nicely done and a bit of face moisturizer.

She rushed out of the house to the main road hoping to have an awesome time with her date that evening,

The only person who knows her best- herself,

And probably the only true friend who was willing to point out the specks,

Finally she had decided to be her own date.

To strive for her inner beauty- Empathy, Loyalty, Kindness, Love, Wisdom, Maturity, Honesty and Integrity,

Laura eventually realized what she was missing out- the power in knowing who she was.

She now has the right shoes to conquer the world; and she's willing to take the risk regardless of how long it will take.

 

Mwende 

THE CHURCH

THE CHURCH…THIS EASTER

I write to you preachers and teachers,

I write to you true worshippers and prayer warriors,

I write to you babies in faith and mature Christians,

I write to you sons of God and daughters,

I write to you fathers and mothers,

I write to you church,

For the bride has forgotten her husband, she is fallen and bruised,

For she ought to testify that she has heard his voice and knows his words; instead she’s soiled,

For there is no other name under heaven given to men, by which we must be saved,

For he who claims he abides in Him ought to walk in the same manner as He walked,

I write to you church,
For I see people living but not lovers of God surrendering all to his throne,

For I see material obsession and desire for more but not the undying zeal to pursue the great commission,

For I see people yearning for greatness instead of making him known to the nations,

I see a generation fallen deep into sin,

I write to you church,

For you have been drawn from normalcy; to fight the fight of faith by his grace,

For you know that he was handed over to die for our sins, and was raised to life to make us right with God,  

For I see a people swayed away from the truth and free salvation that is under- priced,

For I see a generation that despises connection with God but instead lovers of noise and mockers of the Word,

For I see a people mixed up in worldly desires yet still claiming to be one with God,

I write to you church,

To encourage you to live a life worthy of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus,

To encourage you to live pure and committed to the one who called us,

To wrestle against principalities, powers, the rulers of darkness and spiritual wickedness in high places,

To urge you brethren to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to our Saviour Jesus,

So then brethren, be firm, immovable, abounding always in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil in the Lord is not in vain,

Your fellow servant in Christ,

Mwende

Happy Mothers' Day Sarah

Happy mother’s day Sarah 

They had just arrived in their new city, her master and their nephew Lot,

Quite tired from the long journey, but thrilled by the great promise echoed to them,

Probably the two men familiarizing themselves with the new grounds,

Maybe as she prepared some traditional porridge for them; flashbacks of past events,

Probably giggling to herself and thinking of how her master had tricked Pharaoh’s officials,

 

True to Abram’s word, she really is beautiful even at 80 years of age,

But the reality of their situation still glaring,

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Her womb isn’t right, and her master now an old man clocking his 90’s,

For sure time isn’t waiting for anyone including them,

Do you realize that every time she sees a child it bothers her?

Even in her master’s wealth, goats, camels and donkeys; she is not at peace,

She desires a baby; a fruit of her womb,

Her skin is falling apart; drawing a clear picture of her age and struggles,

The society has judged her; they now call her the barren woman in town,

And she so strongly believes them,

In fact, she’s convinced that Hagar can take her position as the home maker,
 

Frustration and misery protruding from her long face,

She doesn’t care anymore; not about their matrimonial bed or the shadows of their vows,

But even then; sparks of once uttered promise still flaring around,

From Abram to Abraham; the father of Nations,

From Sarai to Sarah; nations to nations would call her blessed,



thet2.women.com

The world needs to know that she is not barren; in fact she was never barren from the beginning,

Because her situation doesn’t define her; a seed of greatness resides inside her since the very beginning,

For when God changes your name he bestows on you a new purpose,

His timing is always perfect, not a minute earlier nor a minute late,

It doesn’t matter how long he takes, he finally shows up just at the right time,

And so, believe him not because you need a son; believe him because he is God and he can do it even without you asking,

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Sarah; your womb isn’t a waste of flesh,

It’s a fertile ground too significant to be ignored,

A great destiny is about to be achieved through you, for with God all things are possible,

Sarah; fill your house with toys, baby cloths and paint your house walls with bright baby colours,

Imagine kicks of a young life inside your womb, smile big as you wait for your bundles of joy,

Get some delivery kits if need be,

Start visualizing what you imagined some decades back- being a mother,

And if I won’t be around to receive these bundles with you, I wish you well in advance,

Happy mother’s day Sarah.

Mwende.

Its My Signature

Its My Signature

“Hey you; use your other hand” she shouted.

“But madam, it’s not strong enough to write anything” I murmured. A conversation that continued for quite a while taking all the wrong moves; imposing a totally conflicting message from what I had ever believed in.

 

Like any other young girl in my sleepy village then, school was fun and simply enjoyable.

A jovial, confident and fun girl I was, and brilliant too- at least dad/mum made me believe that I was. 

Until that cold conversation that early Monday morning with my English teacher came into picture; clogging my system with a shadow of self- doubt and phobia; tossing my identity left right and centre.

 

The moments there after were unique- not for better though!

Every time I had to write something on our dilapidated black board, something would just go wrong.

I couldn’t understand why they had to force me use my right hand.

 

Somehow they found their way through; piercing deep into my soul and igniting a birth of a young fearful and quiet girl; I was no longer excited and especially on things that had to do with my condemned left hand.



I could almost always confuse those mandatory righty-handshakes.

Talk of school right- handed desks; which constantly reminded me that I was different plus my misbehaving left arm elbow which pushed my seatmates away.

How I loved music festivals! Despite my deviating left leg; when everybody else is moving to the right, I move to the left but maintain the harmonious rhythm- I think I’m also left- legged.J

 

Even now, all these things seem to be oriented for just righties so to speak- talk of being left- handed in right- handed world!

I precisely had to fight my way through and it’s not been a cakewalk.

Those moments made me stronger and still more moments continue to be born. 

Despite all these, I'm glad that I regained my profound identity- freedom in left handedness!

And yes my fun, jovial and bold girl is back- she’s here to stay- she’s grown and clearly understands her purpose in life.

And her left hand will have to be part of the journey!
 

And this is the story of my left- hand wrangle!!

Left- hand fingers jolly typing J....

Mwende

I saw her

 

I saw her last night. 

Yes I did, and I couldn’t stop gazing at her; coz she was glowing.

And as it was always the case; she grabbed and hugged me tightly and for some reasons I felt peaceful. Our long chat which apparently felt too short I clearly recall; one which lasted for hours catching up after a really long period of time- close to 3 years. 

  

We laughed and giggled in excitement as I narrated to her how daddy would unconsciously mention her name amidst family gatherings, coffee tables and storytelling sessions and everybody would be silent for a while like something was amiss. In a shaken way, he would burble “I’m sorry, I meant……” and could go on and on apologizing for having mentioned her name.

  

How mummy couldn’t stop talking about her all day long and how my kid sister would cry every time she remembered those fun moments with her in Kajiado, Naivasha etc. - she was an excellent chef and we loved her home made food.

 

It’s now crystal clear that times have changed without her around and we all miss her.L

I continued, “We crave spending time with you auntie, your voice of calmness and tranquillity we desire to hear.” My deep feelings were simply portraiture of everyone in the family and all I kept thinking, “how can death be so cruel?” 

  

As we continued chatting she effortlessly exposed her dimpled smile and I loved it.

She looked happy, calm and healthy and at least from what I saw; she was fulfilled and complete.

  

In wholeness, I was free.

Certainly a cold breeze massaged the sole of my left foot and I woke up only to find it was a dream. But this one was uniquely placed, there was no forgetting.

The memories have always been intact in the part of the mind that minds will never have the guts to contemplate.

  

And like any other Christmas since she rested, it’s now the third one and we will dearly miss her.

R.I.P Auntie.

Mwende.